Wish You Were Here

A/N: A one-shot for that time of the year.

Wish you were here

Hey Pumpkin,

You have no idea how long it took me to finally write this letter to you. It tears me up inside to express feelings I know will never be responded in kind. To wish for something I can never have. But I guess that if I don't tell you at least once how I feel, no charades, no sarcasm, no dishonesty, I'd go crazy.

I love you.

Surprised? Honestly, I hope not. After all, how much more obvious could I have been?

You've got no idea how long I've wanted you, but you've always been unavailable to me. And not just because you were the only person in the world who ever could fight me to a stand-still. At first you frustrated me. I mean, you were a teenage cheerleader for crying out loud. A hot cheerleader, but a teenager nonetheless. But with time I learned to respect you as an opponent and I started to look forward to our little get-togethers. You were the only opponent who could ever make me sweat. And I certainly enjoyed making you sweat as well. You smell good when you sweat, did you know that? You might find it strange, but that raw, almost uncivilized odor used to drive me wild with desire sometimes. Just ask your buffoon, I'm sure he's noticed it as well.

I've tried to fight it in the beginning. After all, you were a high school student, jail-bait extra-ordinaire. Does that surprise you? That I would have been bothered by doing something illegal? But after all, going to jail for theft, destruction, heck even murder is one thing. Being a convicted child molester however... Ah, who am I kidding? I would gladly have gone to jail if it meant you'd be mine and I'd be yours, but that might have given you the idea that our love would be wrong and I wanted to spare you that feeling.

So I waited. First I waited for my feelings to disappear, and when that turned out to be a lost battle, I waited for you to grow older. Which, I hoped, would also have given you the chance to discover certain truths about yourself. You didn't. Every time I saw you with that doofus, I felt a pang of envy. Especially after you two became a couple. I couldn't even hate him, because he made you happy. But, boy did I want to be in his place! I did hate Drakken though. The way he played with your feelings was totally low. Plus, I suspect it's one of the things that brought you closer to the buffoon.

But you never guessed the real meaning behind all those nicknames I gave you, did you Princess? You never felt for me, the way I felt for you. Why do you think I agreed to team up with you, or your sidekick in extreme cases? Only because you asked me to, or because it was you we were trying to save. But you never really trusted me, did you? Even when we were fighting side-by-side I could feel you were expecting me to turn on you. It was so much easier to go back to our old dance than running the risk of finally talking with you and being shot down.

I guess that time I was Miss Go also hurt my chances. Ironic, isn't it? The only time we were really close and honest with each other and you didn't notice a thing of my true feelings for you. All because that damn thing reversed all my emotions, not just my behavior, but my desires as well. In those days, I really didn't like you "that way". That's why I fell head-over-heels for that idiot teacher of yours. That was what I was getting ready to tell you before that buffoon zapped me back to who I really was. I still don't know whether I'm happy or not I never got the chance to tell you back then that I wanted you.

Ah, so much lost opportunities, so much lost time. I thought I finally had a chance when the UN granted Drakken and me amnesty for our part in defeating Warhok. I could finally get close to you without the risk of being arrested, or getting my ass kicked by you. And you were perfectly polite, but that was it. For months, I made an honest living as a teacher, but you went to college and continued to date your buffoon.  I even tried helping you on a few of your missions, but you continued dating the buffoon. You respected me and in time came to see me as another friend, but as the months went by, I realized I would never be the kind of person you could fall for.

So is it such a wonder I went back to my old ways? When I was robbing a museum or guarding a mad scientist you would be there and we would dance. I would have you all for my own and you would think of nobody else but me for a while. I even learned not to care about the bruises any more. I wanted you to acknowledge my existence, Kim. I was addicted to you, I knew that even then. I just didn’t care.

And then, suddenly, you left us. You broke my heart that day, you know.

I just stopped caring about everything.

I so much want to say "Wish you were here." but as you know, "here" is a high-security prison and I could never wish that on you. You've got to soar like an eagle, spread your wings and be free. I understand that. I want to have you close, shelter you and shield you from the world out there, but I can't. I guess that, more than anything else hurts me the most.

I love you, Kimmie. Always have, always will.

Be happy, wherever you are.


Forever yours,
Shego


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shego was standing alone on the prison's centre court.

She sighed as she took the letter out of her jumpsuit and folded it open. It had been strangely cathartic to write down her feelings earlier that day. She didn't even know what she had written exactly but didn't feel the strength to read her letter again. Several words had already run out where tears had fallen on the paper.

She took a deep breath and a green flame jumped up from her hand, engulfing the letter. Soon, only smoke and ashes remained, rapidly disappearing in the breeze. For a short moment, she hoped that the wind would take her words to Kim, wherever she was.

She shook her head and angrily wiped the tears off her face. Who was she kidding? The dead are just that. Dead and gone.

-- End --

Yeah, I can be nasty that way.